35 Things Should Never Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy-from the Village People band?

4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.

5. I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop, no donut.

8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?

13. I pay your salary.

14. So uh, you on the take or what?

15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.

19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

22. No, YOU assume the position.

23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 special!

24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

25. No, offi, offic, lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.

27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!

29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cigs.

31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?

35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?

Christmas Jokes

Q: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
A: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us

Q: How do chickens dance at the Christmas party?
A: Chick to chick!

Q: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
A: He's a fun guy to be with

Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis

Q: What does Santa like to eat?
A: A jolly roll

Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet

Q: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
A: Hose A, and Hose B

Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?
A: With his North Pole-aroid

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia

Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa baa shop

Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph

Q: What can Santa give away and still keep?
A: A cold

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A: Platform shoes!

Q: What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has NO EL

Q: Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log

Q: Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
A: They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him

Q: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder

Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses

Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic

Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes

Q: What does Santa likes to eat?
A: A jolly roll

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: its Christmas, Eve

Q: What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
A: Jungle Bells

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem

Q: What did the big Christmas candle say to the little candle?
A: I'm going out tonight!

Q: What's red and white and red, red and white, and red and white?
A: Santa Claus rolling down a hill!

TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Why men don't go Bra Shopping

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

The tutor!

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor!

A few things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."