Tell it a yolk.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
THE FART...
At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Where’s the booger?
I was walking in the park when I saw my friend and her 5 yr old son sitting on a bench. I walked over to them and the 5 year old started pointing at me, I said, “if you keep pointing I'll eat your fingers." He kept pointing, so I stuck his fingers in my mouth and pretended to eat them. He then started crying. I looked at him and said don't worry I'm not really gonna eat your fingers. He replied, "I know that but where’s my booger?"
10 Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled
10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"
9. "It can only make left turns"
8. "Ambulances follow you around"
7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""
6. "It has the same battery as your watch"
5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""
4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""
3. "Blue book value: $38.75"
2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"
1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"
9. "It can only make left turns"
8. "Ambulances follow you around"
7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""
6. "It has the same battery as your watch"
5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""
4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""
3. "Blue book value: $38.75"
2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"
1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
35 Things Should Never Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy-from the Village People band?
4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.
5. I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop, no donut.
8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?
13. I pay your salary.
14. So uh, you on the take or what?
15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.
19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
22. No, YOU assume the position.
23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 special!
24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
25. No, offi, offic, lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!
29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cigs.
31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?
35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?
2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy-from the Village People band?
4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.
5. I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop, no donut.
8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?
13. I pay your salary.
14. So uh, you on the take or what?
15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.
19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
22. No, YOU assume the position.
23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 special!
24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
25. No, offi, offic, lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!
29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cigs.
31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?
35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?
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