Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
THE FART...
At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Where’s the booger?
I was walking in the park when I saw my friend and her 5 yr old son sitting on a bench. I walked over to them and the 5 year old started pointing at me, I said, “if you keep pointing I'll eat your fingers." He kept pointing, so I stuck his fingers in my mouth and pretended to eat them. He then started crying. I looked at him and said don't worry I'm not really gonna eat your fingers. He replied, "I know that but where’s my booger?"
10 Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled
10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"
9. "It can only make left turns"
8. "Ambulances follow you around"
7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""
6. "It has the same battery as your watch"
5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""
4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""
3. "Blue book value: $38.75"
2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"
1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"
9. "It can only make left turns"
8. "Ambulances follow you around"
7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""
6. "It has the same battery as your watch"
5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""
4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""
3. "Blue book value: $38.75"
2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"
1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
35 Things Should Never Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy-from the Village People band?
4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.
5. I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop, no donut.
8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?
13. I pay your salary.
14. So uh, you on the take or what?
15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.
19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
22. No, YOU assume the position.
23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 special!
24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
25. No, offi, offic, lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!
29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cigs.
31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?
35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?
2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy-from the Village People band?
4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Good job.
5. I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop, no donut.
8. You're not going to check the trunk are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds?
13. I pay your salary.
14. So uh, you on the take or what?
15. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.
19. Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
22. No, YOU assume the position.
23. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts is having a 3 for 1 special!
24. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
25. No, offi, offic, lucifer...I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
26. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
27. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
28. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick ONE!
29. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
30. On the way to the station, let's get a six pack, oh and don't forget the cigs.
31. Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
32. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
33. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
34. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?
35. What do you use those rubber gloves for anyway?
Friday, October 29, 2010
Christmas Jokes
Q: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
A: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us
Q: How do chickens dance at the Christmas party?
A: Chick to chick!
Q: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
A: He's a fun guy to be with
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: What does Santa like to eat?
A: A jolly roll
Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet
Q: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
A: Hose A, and Hose B
Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?
A: With his North Pole-aroid
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia
Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa baa shop
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
Q: What can Santa give away and still keep?
A: A cold
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A: Platform shoes!
Q: What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has NO EL
Q: Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log
Q: Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
A: They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him
Q: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes
Q: What does Santa likes to eat?
A: A jolly roll
Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: its Christmas, Eve
Q: What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
A: Jungle Bells
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem
Q: What did the big Christmas candle say to the little candle?
A: I'm going out tonight!
Q: What's red and white and red, red and white, and red and white?
A: Santa Claus rolling down a hill!
A: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us
Q: How do chickens dance at the Christmas party?
A: Chick to chick!
Q: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
A: He's a fun guy to be with
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: What does Santa like to eat?
A: A jolly roll
Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet
Q: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
A: Hose A, and Hose B
Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?
A: With his North Pole-aroid
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia
Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa baa shop
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
Q: What can Santa give away and still keep?
A: A cold
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A: Platform shoes!
Q: What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has NO EL
Q: Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log
Q: Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
A: They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him
Q: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes
Q: What does Santa likes to eat?
A: A jolly roll
Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: its Christmas, Eve
Q: What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
A: Jungle Bells
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem
Q: What did the big Christmas candle say to the little candle?
A: I'm going out tonight!
Q: What's red and white and red, red and white, and red and white?
A: Santa Claus rolling down a hill!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS
10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Why men don't go Bra Shopping
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Friday, September 24, 2010
A few things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sharpest Thing Ever
What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Musical Instrument
A fart is a musical instrument,
It comes from the island of bum,
It travels down the valley of trouser leg,
Whilst making a musical hum.
It comes from the island of bum,
It travels down the valley of trouser leg,
Whilst making a musical hum.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Passing Gas
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
5 Stages of Being Drunk
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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